I know it's been about two months now since I've last posted anything on my blog. So much for wanting to stay consistent on this, that has never been a strength of mine in administrative areas.
The past couple of weeks I have really been battling through some pride and disconnection from the world. You may talk to me and think to yourself, "Man he is a pretty open and real guy." I want to be the first to tell you that I'm a complete liar! I have really been closed off with the deepest parts of my heart. My fears, my sins, my desires and my emotions have all been hidden under this veal of togetherness that I try and personify. And it's not even intentional, it has just become so conditioned in my nature that it actually takes me time to sit and reflect on my life to even realize that I'm living in this way. So as the great philosopher Usher would say, "These are my confessions"...
I am terrified! I'm scared of life and what it has to bring, what I am missing out on, where I'm not succeeding, lack of intimacy and deep connection, and lack of vision. I'm terrified that I have built up these walls that where I'm so guarded from others that they really never get to know "Michael Anderson" but just the personification of who I want them to think he is. I'm afraid that I will never be truly loved, even though I say that I love and worship a Savior that truly is Love. I feel like I suck as a pastor, that I don't communicate direction well. I'm horrified that I'm a terrible big brother to a little sister that I love deeply, but never seem to be able to express that love how I really want to. I dwell long periods of time on whether or not my sins of pride, lust, lack of self control, and anger will be exposed. I can't sleep at night because my mind continues to go over and over the opportunities that I missed to love others and give myself away so that they may feel loved. So while this may seem like just another guy writing a blog exposing himself so that he seems vulnerable it's not. I'm not vulnerable, I'm not open, it takes everything within my to confess these things right now but I know that I have to.
I have to expose myself or I will never be free from myself. There is something innately in me that lies to my very nature all the time and unless I call myself out, I will never be free from that bondage. You see I'm a very prideful and independent guy, which is nothing to be proud of even though our culture tells us this is a great strength. I really don't even know what my desires and dreams are many times because I'm too busy trying to act like I'm good to go and focused. Many times I don't even know what my emotions and heart are telling me because of this very same battle. So if you're reading this you may be saying why is he saying all this, is there a point? Saying all of this is the point.
Yesterday as I was dwelling in scripture for a bit and I read the first chapter of 2 Corinthians. In the Message version it speaks on how Jesus our Messiah came along side us and walked with us through are dark and hard times. He also brings us others going through crappy times so that we can walk together in our brokenness in order that we may comfort each other. Paul speaks of connection with people and Christ that is deeper than anything that I feel like I have ever experienced. The words that got me the most were those that said, "Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally--not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead!" I mean seriously! These are guys that were being killed and persecuted, tortured, beaten and starving. And they rejoice in that because they had to trust God totally! I'm such a douche! And how hard is it to trust in the very same God that raises Himself and other from the dead?
As I read this I was broken. I want community like this. Community that loves and walks with one another no matter what. Community that believes so deeply in the God that they say they believe in that they encourage each other by the very essence of His resurrection power. I want a community that John talks about in 1 John when he says if we walk in the light as He is in the light we have fellowship with one another. I want the story of my life to be written in bold and printed all over my life so that everyone can read, even those that I don't trust as I've already stated I don't even trust myself sometimes. I want to be able to look back at a week and say the worst is over and I can hold my head up high or rest it on the shoulders others.
Is this a community that you long for? Would you be willing to walk in the light so that this community can really exist? If so, let's begin to walk in trials together. Let's be a people that rest on each other even in our brokenness. Let's love each other so deeply that when our worlds are devastated we know that someone will be running to sweep away the rumble of destruction in our lives. Let's be His church like this beautiful depiction in 2 Corinthians. Let's not let it be too long till we do this. If not now, then when?